I am filled with joy to share this message! The Lord has been so good and merciful to me. When I was a little girl, around seven or eight years old, I had the incredible blessing of witnessing the Holy Spirit work in my mother. Before that, I don’t remember going to church, so that particular Sunday felt very different and memorable for me. I was used to waking up, watching cartoons, and enjoying pancakes, bacon, and eggs that my mom made. So, to have to get up with no TV and just cereal made me a bit upset, to say the least. Then, to find myself in a new place where people were shouting, crying, and praising was not where my little mind wanted to be. But God knew that’s exactly where I needed to be.

As everyone prayed and worshiped, I began to feel a sense of calm and happiness wash over me. I started clapping, singing, and—without realizing it at the time—praising God. It felt amazing! But when I looked over to my left, I saw my mother sobbing uncontrollably. Seeing her cry so deeply made me instantly want to leave. In my child’s mind, I thought, "Is someone trying to hurt my mom?" While the other kids continued to play and praise, I became focused on my mom, thinking of ways to make her happy again. My mom and stepdad had just separated, and she often seemed sad, so I felt it was my job to make her feel better.

As I tried to comfort her, a few women came over and started speaking words I couldn’t understand, and I became scared. I had no idea exactly what was happening, and it all seemed foreign, even a bit frightening. All I could do was watch. My mom started sobbing even louder, surrounded by these women, and I couldn’t help but cry as well. But despite my fear, I also felt a strange sense of calm that I didn’t understand at the time. The Holy Spirit was present, working against forces that had been hidden in our family for a long time. My mother began to speak as she fell flat on her back. I was frozen, crying and standing still, thinking, "Why does my mom sound like a man? What is happening to her?"

I remember seeing what I can only describe as spirits leaving her body as she cried out in that deep voice. As things began to calm down, I heard my grandfather say, "It’s okay now. The Holy Spirit has filled your mom, and all those evil spirits have been forced to leave." He kept saying, "Thank you, Father God, for releasing her." From that day on, my life was never the same. Thank you, Jesus!

Thank God for my mother, who gave her life to Christ and welcomed the Holy Spirit! I wish I could say that everything became easy after that, and for a while during my childhood, it felt that way. But the true test of my faith and belief in the Lord Jesus, and in the power of the Holy Spirit, came during my teenage years.

It started when my grandfather passed away, and my estranged father re-entered my life. My father and his family didn’t agree with how my mother raised me in the church, especially around what they called “all Christian people.” Even though we lived in a mixed community, and our church was a welcoming place full of God-fearing, loving people, I still struggled with feeling "not black enough." My father used that as a way to lure me toward his beliefs. All I wanted was to be loved and accepted by my people, not realizing that God’s love has no color.

As a pre-teen, naturally going through some rebellious phases, I became defiant—toward my mother, toward God, and even at school. These choices led me down a path that was very different from what I had known. Even though my father was very strict, his side of the family drank, smoked weed, didn’t go to church or school, and didn’t pray. In my young mind, they seemed to be living a free life. But what a ball of deception that was! Not only did they tell me the Holy Spirit wasn’t real, but they also introduced me to a lifestyle that held me captive for almost 20 years.

Eventually, my mother couldn’t handle my behavior anymore and, out of frustration and exhaustion, allowed me to live with my father, my stepmom, and my siblings. At first, it seemed like things would be great. But once I moved in, everything changed. There were no more prayers, no more church, and, at least in my mind, no more protection from God’s Spirit.

After I moved into my dad’s home, he would often tell me how bad of a child I was, keeping me inside more than my other siblings. He constantly spoke negatively about my mom, but in the same breath, he’d tell me how attractive I was, just like her. He would say that I should be more like the person she used to be—the one before she found God—claiming that’s why no one loved her anymore. All I wanted was to feel loved and accepted, so I tried my hardest to distance myself from her and become the version of her that he admired. I was such an impressionable young girl, trying to shape myself into what I thought would make him love me more. But even in those moments, the Holy Spirit was still with me, guiding me in ways I didn’t fully understand at the time.  I knew I needed to keep praying, but every time I did, my father would beat me. So, I started praying quietly at night as I fell asleep. I desperately wanted to go home, but he convinced me that my mother didn’t want me anymore, that her life was better without me. Eventually, I gave in to the lies. I started smoking and drinking, and over time, I began believing everything they said about my mom. I stopped reaching out to her—and I stopped praying altogether.  That is when my father started doing what a dad should never do to his little girl. He somehow convinced me that this is what a father and daughter are supposed to do. But the truth was that everything I was being told was a lie—and God was turning this into part of my testimony at just the right timing when I trusted Him with my pain. Although I was too afraid to make my dad stop, I knew deep down that we were not supposed to engage in such acts together because I had been raised in the Word.

One day, after being called out of school for an early dismissal, I dropped to my knees and prayed, “Heavenly Father, if You are real, please give me the strength to protect myself.” I kept saying the Lord’s Prayer out loud as I walked out of the school, even praying silently in the car all the way. Just before I entered the door, I prayed again, “Father God, please send the Holy Spirit to save me, like You saved my mom.”

Right before anything could happen, out of nowhere, I found the courage to ask, “Why are you doing this to me?” Isn’t this why God gave you a wife?” And at that moment, I just got prepared for a beating, I was not afraid but instead I was calm, calm like the day back when I was seven.  I knew the Holy Spirit was with me.  To my surprise, miraculously my father just got up, and just walked away.

The physical and emotional abuse worsened, which eventually pushed me further into drinking and smoking. I stopped going to school and began seeking attention from any guy who would give it, leading to fights and eventually getting expelled. I was placed in a juvenile facility, and surprisingly, I found some peace there. However, I was also introduced to witchcraft and other things that drew me even further from God’s grace. I stopped praying and started doubting whether God could be real at all.

I formed a deep trauma bond with a young man, making him the center of my life—my "god." All the love and devotion I once had for my Creator shifted to him. Over the next 10 years, my life was filled with chaos and darkness. I spiraled into a path that was far from God, with my children caught up in it alongside me. In my drunken moments, I convinced myself that I was just stepping into my "true identity." I would say things like, “I believe God is real, but He can’t be real for someone like me.” What a lie that was.

It wasn’t until April of 2022, that I fully accepted Christ Jesus back into my life as my Lord and Savior. Once again, I found myself in jail, but this time was different—I was truly innocent. I had recently started praying, asking God to remove anything and anyone not part of His plan for my life. Then, I was arrested for a crime my trauma bond partner committed. I was heartbroken and lost, but most of all, I felt like I had let my children down. Watching them witness my arrest crushed me and drained any remaining anger or drive I had. I felt completely defeated. The person I had made my “god” didn’t step up or tell the truth.

The enemy thought he had me, but God had another plan. No one was willing to help or bail me out, and with the high bond set, I felt trapped. Alone in my cell, all I had was a Bible. I cried out in frustration, and then, the same familiar calm I had felt years before washed over me. I hadn’t allowed that peace to comfort me for so long, but there it was again.

I asked for some paper and began writing. I wrote down a plan—a plan to use my life as a testimony for God. I spent seven days in that cell, and during that time, I wrote out the steps I would take when I got out. As soon as I returned home, I began executing that plan. I started helping other women heal from the traumas they had buried, just as I was healing from mine, and I began bringing them closer to Christ.

Today, I am working on building my organization, U.T.R. Ministries (Under the Rug), a Christian-based ministry that helps people heal from the hidden traumas that have been swept under the rug.

Healing is a deeply personal journey, but there are some guiding steps that can help you move forward toward emotional, mental, and spiritual recovery. Here are a few steps you can take to begin your healing journey:

1. Turn to God and Prayer

Reconnect with your faith: Spend time in prayer, asking God for guidance, comfort, and healing. Let yourself be vulnerable before Him and trust in His love and grace to help you through the pain.  If you have never received the Lord Jesus into your life, start there by simply asking Him to come into your life and heart.

Read scripture: The Bible offers many passages about healing and finding peace in God’s presence. Meditate on verses that speak to you, like Psalm 147:3, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds,” or Matthew 11:28, “Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

Trust in God's plan: Sometimes healing requires surrendering control and trusting that God has a greater purpose, even through your pain.

2. Give Yourself Grace

Be patient with yourself: Healing is not a quick process. It’s okay to have ups and downs along the way. Allow yourself to feel your emotions without judgment and give yourself permission to heal at your own pace.

Practice self-compassion: Instead of blaming or shaming yourself for the past, be kind to yourself. Remember that God’s grace is enough to cover your mistakes and pain.

3. Forgiveness

Forgive yourself and others: Holding on to resentment and bitterness can hinder your healing. Ask God to help you forgive those who have wronged you and to forgive yourself. Forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing the behavior, but it releases the hold it has on you.

Release the burden: Pray for the strength to let go of the weight of your trauma and to trust that God will bring justice and healing in His way and timing.

4. Surround Yourself with a Loving Community

Seek support from others: Don’t isolate yourself. Surround yourself with people who uplift and encourage you. Whether it's family, friends, or church members, having a support system can make a huge difference in your healing.

Let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not neglecting meeting together with other believers, as some do, but exhorting one another, and so much more as you see the Day of His return approaching. ~ Hebrews 10:24-25

Join a small group: Being part of a spiritual community can help you grow in faith and provide emotional and spiritual support.

5. Set Healthy Boundaries

Protect your peace: Setting boundaries ahead of time is essential for your emotional well-being. Whether it’s limiting contact with toxic people or avoiding situations that trigger painful memories, protect your heart and mind as you heal.

Establish new habits: As you heal, you may need to create new routines or habits that promote spiritual growth, emotional resilience, and physical health.

6. Reflect on Your Testimony

Use your story for good: Your story can be a powerful testimony of God's grace and healing. When you're ready, sharing your journey can not only help others but also give purpose to your pain. You are living proof of God's redemptive power.

Focus on growth: Reflect on the lessons you've learned from your experiences and how they've shaped you. Growth is a key part of healing, and it can transform your pain into purpose.

7. Bring someone along in your journey

Healing is a process that takes time. It’s okay to still have moments where you feel hurt or confused. Trust that, over time, as you stay committed to healing, you will see progress. With God’s grace, wounds do heal.

No matter where you are on your journey, remember that healing is possible. It doesn’t matter how big or how little your pain may seem to you, there is healing for every level available through God’s love and His power.  God is with you every step of the way, and He has placed people around you to help you on this journey. Healing may take time, but you have the strength and the grace to overcome. Trust in God’s plan, be gentle with yourself, and take it one day at a time.

For more information about Under the Rug Ministries contact: Danielle Agrate

utrmentoringandministries@gmail.com

If I asked you, "Do you know you have value?" would you answer, "Sure, I do!" Or would you wonder if you have anything to offer to the world? At the beginning of my spiritual and personal growth journey, to the same question I would have certainly answered, "Sure, I do!". I knew I mattered. But as life progressed, more responsibilities were added to my plate, changes took place in my life, and relational let downs occurred. When I paused a moment and looked inside, I would wonder if I really had value. Until my late twenties, I knew my family loved me. I had long-time friends who knew my good and bad traits and confronted me with their perspectives when I was out of line, but they also loved being with me for who I was and what I brought to the relationship and never asked me to be like someone else. After an important move and transition in my life, I found myself not surrounded by those who truly knew me. I had to rewrite my story with a new set of people and in a different culture. Talk about change!

The dictionary defines (personal) value as "the regard that someone is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of someone". Based on this definition, consider your importance, worth, or usefulness. Maybe your thoughts go to your talents or your professional success or the value you know you have and the regard you deserve in the eyes of those who surround you in this season of life. That is exactly where I was looking for affirmation of my worth: others.

For some, your identity today might be different from a few years ago, especially if you recently became a mom. That is such a huge transition in life! You might feel strongly about your value because of how invaluable you are to your family, or if you are a mom or wife with a full-time job outside the house, you know you bring value because of everything you do. You might even think, "I am not sure where my value lies these days," maybe you even think: "I feel I have no value because the work I do is so thankless," or "I have no formal job, so I am not sure what value I contribute."

It took me some time to own my personal value as something within me. I am who I am and I need to grow and learn how to interact with people around me, yet, without changing my core. I want to really grasp my worth based on who I am and not what I do. Unfortunately, if we are not careful, we let society, our circle of friends, and the social media we are influenced by dictate who we are and if we are worthy. You are not alone in falling prey to this negative belief system.

Have you ever considered the value you have above all this earthly living - in God's eyes? I did not. God says we have value because we are living human beings. The breath of God is in us! The fact that you are a human being – a living creature – is of value. I want to encourage you and remind you that your role, your life, your purpose, whatever those may be, they are essential to complete the beautiful puzzle that God has created.

When you know WHO you are, WHO God says you are, and what YOUR core values are, no matter who is around you, you know you matter within because you realize that "Someone" cares deeply about you. You know you are not alone. You will be firm in your confidence in yourself, and you will not allow fear, anxiety, negative thoughts, or negative self-talk to hold you back from pursuing deeply important, inspiring projects, activities, or adventures. Your heart will be full of God's promises for you, and you will have the confidence that you are valuable because you ARE you! But it takes work and willingness to learn who He says you are. Read His word, find a true Bible study (my church and Community Bible Study International was fundamental for my spiritual growth in God's word), and be willing to feed yourself with God's word regularly. But also look for like-minded individuals and maybe you need to shed some pain from past experiences and relationships. Seek out the help of a mental health counselor/therapist or a wise mentor. Past hurts create such a fortress around our hearts that it is hard to let anyone in and that causes us to isolate and not be connected with others. Leaving us feeling alone and helpless, or angry, bitter and judgmental.

 I hope you read this article as a reminder to never let anyone make you feel less than or not enough! When life gets hard, when you feel alone, when it seems no one understands you, don't forget what God says about you. Keep repeating His promises to yourself. Do not let others project their insecurities on you and follow your gut. That is the Holy Spirit speaking to you. Your inner being is connected to God through the Holy Spirit. Quiet the noise around you and provide a safe space for your spirit to align with God's plan. Intentionally dedicate time to connect with God and let Him speak to you. It is so vital to recharge in God's presence and word when you feel down. I encourage you to pause instead: go for a walk, take a bath, sit on the grass outside, listen to the birds, and admire God's creation. There is peace that lies in that time and research is supporting the truth that nature is restorative to our souls. As you breathe deeply, let God and your senses guide your next step. Pause again: look inside and think about what makes you happy, what you love, what you care about, and what you were good at when you were a child; those are the gifts and desires God put in your heart when He created you. What fascinated you when you were little, and what were you attracted to?

If you are a mom, your time with your children is essential in their first years of their lives to grow emotionally secure, by feeling securely attached to a source of love - YOU. Suppose you could just look at the value of your time as mom, and protect it by putting boundaries around what distracts you from giving your attention to you child and finding areas where you can delegate some tasks. In that case, you can influence your child's emotional strength. Because at the end of the day, nobody else can replace your connection with your child, in spending time with your child, in forming memories with your child, in bonding with your child, in coaching your child, in inspiring your child – that's where your value lies: in being their mom. That's where you can't even put a price on the value of what you are teaching your child by being self-controlled, balanced, and emotionally regulated, as you are being you. No pretense, no trying to be someone you are not, but just leaning on your love for them.

The source of all negative thoughts and lack of self-worth comes from not knowing you are loved, not knowing that your life matters. All creation plays a small part in forming its beautiful entirety. Sometimes, from our small point of view, we cannot see the whole picture that God sees. Let's look at a few verses that describe what God says about our personal value in the Bible.

"God made human beings in His own image" ~ Genesis 1:26-27

· God must love us so much to want to be represented in us.

But God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."  ~Romans 5:8

It sounds like we matter enough for Jesus to die for us and save our spirits for eternity so we can be with Him.

But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows. ~ Matthew 10:30-31

· God Himself says that "You are of more value than many sparrows".

Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him. For God's temple is holy, and you are that temple. ~ 1 Corinthians 3:16-17

· If you are the temple of God because a human body is where the Holy Spirit lives and the Holy Spirit is part of the triune being of God, which in turn is a holy place, you must matter a whole lot to God for God to defend your life.

Do not rely on social media to make you feel better; do not distract yourself with more to-dos. Lean on your pain, understand its source, and ask God for wisdom to help you in moments of despair to get you through to victory. He will not leave you nor forsake you. He will fill you on the inside with His love. Ask Him for guidance and be willing to be obedient to the next step He shows you.

I found myself having to pull away from "the noise" in my life a few times. That noise might be what your friends want you to be involved with, yet it does not feel right to you. Or maybe an organization or a job that seems to bring useful connections for your future and good pay, yet it overwhelms you. Social media and various apps bring distraction to your day and take your attention away from your children or the people around you. If you are asked to put your phone down quite often by your loved ones, most likely, it is keeping you distracted from connecting with them in a meaningful way. I understand these are all ways you try to give your soul a break from the heaviness you are experiencing. I understand that getting distracted eases the rush of negative thoughts in your mind. I understand that finding help is hard if you do not have family or solid friendships around you. Many have a job to provide for your family, so it is inevitable to not be with your child all day. This is why YouAreNotAlone exists. Let me explain.

I personally know how hard it is to juggle all aspects of life on your own, so in 2015 I started a peer support group to help moms find a place to be themselves, with no pretense to be someone they are not and most of all by being able to let all their thoughts and feelings out and not feel judged. You know your time is valuable by being with your child but it is equally as important being you and doing things for yourself to stay balanced. Having a community, you can reach out to and spend time with is essential to stay connected and grow friendships in this busy season. Be only who you can be, and no one else. JUST BE YOU and join us on Wednesdays and Sundays morning at Victory Family Church and on Thursdays at the Cranberry YMCA. We also gather in the summer through play-dates at parks and moms meet for monthly dinners and fun mom and children events throughout the year .

I pray that through these words, you find the encouragement to put one foot in front of the other, keep looking up, and let who you are flow and bloom. There is a precious gift inside of you, and someone needs you. Just the way you are. You are part of a beautiful creation, a wonderfully made puzzle, and your life is a piece of that puzzle. It will not be complete without you. Cultivate your gifts and work on your hurts. New seasons bring growth and growth is tough because it stretches us. To learn something new we will most likely go through some sort of growing pains. Control that pain but don’t think there is something wrong with you or that others are not going through similar pain. Instead look inside and seek help through an in-depth study of the Bible, a therapist, a pastor, a wise mentor or join us at YouAreNotAlone. Try to listen for guidance, do not try to defend yourself, but seek wisdom for your own growth.

Action step: I encourage you to take one small step today to redirect your thoughts towards change and growth. List what you are good at and what makes you happy on the inside. What fills your cup up and puts a smile on others around you. That is worth of you pursuing and developing. Then look around and explore volunteer opportunities or find a group, like YouAreNotAlone where you can be heard, encouraged and not judged.

I see you. I know it is hard but lean on God and listen to your own heart. They will guide you to live the life you are meant to live. You and He make the best team!   In truth − with grace.

I had been studying David in the book of 1 Samuel last fall and it brought to light so much insight to my past, back when I felt insignificant and didn’t know my purpose here on Earth. However, when I see where I am today, I recognize that through going through doors open in front of me, God has positioned me in such a place to make an eternal impact in the lives of many right here and now. My heart is to not just live and die to have people say there was another “good person.” I want to be remembered as someone whose life counted for eternity and for my family to look back and see the fruits of my labor for many years to come. As you read my story, I pray you will see my heart of thanksgiving and God’s empowering grace that He has given me to stretch myself in many more ways than I could have ever imagined.

When I was eight my parents divorced, and my dad had custody of my two sisters and me. As a young girl, I would not have considered myself friendly but more of a loner. I had one best friend growing up and we did everything together. My best friend’s mom was always there for me and treated me like one of her own. She helped fill the void of a motherly figure. God was so good in that time for me. My dad, on the other hand, did the best he could raising my sisters and me. We were always involved at church. My father was such a servant to others. He was an amazing example of God’s love to everyone. I grew up involved in a great youth group but always looking to others (mostly boys) to fulfill my needs and desires in which I knew only God could fill. As a senior in high school, I got into an un-godly relationship with a boy and fell away from God for many years.

 After our seven-year relationship ended I was heartbroken. I was hurt and really didn’t feel like I had any value and worth. Shortly after this hard season, I drew closer to God and spent time in prayer. Through that time, God showed me things as I started to surrender to him. My sister invited me to a Christian young adult’s ministry at her church where God brought an amazing, godly man into my life. We ended up getting married a few years later. He was all I had prayed for and had imagined a godly husband would be.

In 2013 I had the privilege to fulfill my dreams of becoming a stay-at-home mom. I had my first son and was beyond excited to be a mom. After he was born, I wrestled with thoughts of not knowing how to be a good mother because of the relationship I didn’t have with my own mom. It became a daily battle in my mind. My husband would always remind me of the verse:

I began to realize how lonely being home with a newborn who could not communicate was. I waited anxiously every day for my husband to come home in the evening from work so I would have someone to talk to. Another mom I knew reached out to me about joining MOPS (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers) but was hesitant because I was super quiet and didn’t really know anyone, so I talked myself out of it. In 2015, my second son was born and although I was feeling so much joy in being a mom, I realized I had no friends and felt lonely. I made a huge, scary decision and joined the local MOPS group in my town that fall.

My first year at MOPS I enjoyed the much-needed conversation with other moms and hot food. I was pretty quiet and took it all in. It turned into one of my favorite days of the month that I looked forward to. The next year they asked me to be a group leader. I was so shocked since I thought to myself “I didn’t even talk last year to anyone and now you want me to lead a group?”. I told them I would pray about it. Of course, this was the next step in the plan God had already prepared for me. I knew this was going to be a stretch for me and I would only be able to do it with God’s grace. I kept reminding myself this scripture:

 That year at MOPS was unforgettable. God brought so many wonderful people into my group. I loved having the opportunity to lead others in this community.

Each year at MOPS God continued to stretch me. I began to realize that I was becoming a good leader but I still was missing the connection of friendships. God revealed to me that if I wanted to have good friends that I needed to be a good friend.

I needed to work a little harder at investing in my friendships. Not always waiting to be invited to do things but start reaching out to others. So that year I challenged myself to make as many friends as I could. Quickly, I started to realize how my circle had grown so much. Everywhere I would go in town I would see one of my “MOPS friends.’’ I lived in that for many years and enjoyed many great times with so many great people.

As years went on and my children got older, I started to feel God was calling me to new seasons. I had a lot of friends but was feeling challenged by God again to change these friendships to deep connections. I read the book “Find Your People” by Jennie Allen. It was life changing for me. It helped me to understand how to dig deeper and only open up to a few close people. Wow! For many years I was the one always reaching out and little by little I started to see the seeds I had sown come to life.

Then, last summer as I was mentally preparing for my daughter to go to school in the fall. I began to ask God what is my purpose in this next season? What was next in His plan for my life? How can I be used for your glory? I have found that my alone time with God is when I am running. It is such a great place for me mentally, physically, and emotionally. One warm, sunny day this past summer when I was out for a run, I was listening to a podcast when the Holy Spirit spoke straight to my heart and made it very clear that I was supposed to lead the entire MOPS program at my church this coming fall. I had been throwing around the idea but kept trying to talk myself out of it. I had been convincing myself that my kids were getting older and that was a ministry I was involved in years past – possibly God had something new for me.

I found that God had different plans for me. The podcast I was listening to was a lady telling a story that seemed so similar to mine. I grew up in a broken home where my mom left my dad when I was eight years old. She was around but not the ideal motherly figure. She was broken herself. She did the best she could but was always trying to fill her brokenness with alcohol. Sadly, she lost that battle in 2021 when she passed away.

As I listened to the podcast of this lady telling her story, she went on to explain her family history and the way she grew up had molded and shaped her into who she was today. It turns out she just so happened to be the MOPS national coordinator! She didn’t let her broken past define her future. As I was running, I literally said out loud “okay God” I knew this is what I needed to hear. One of my all-time favorite life scriptures has always been:

Deep down, I knew my fear of leading other moms in a ministry like MOPS was directly related to the fear from my past of not having a godly mother to lead me.

After the Holy Spirit gave me a clear vision this summer to lead MOPS at my church and I said “yes” I had a lot of work to do. I needed to build a leadership team. I prayed and asked God to show me who He wanted me to have on my team. I asked another mom from our church, Cheryl, to lead with me.  She leads the evening and I lead the morning group. Cheryl has become one of my best friends in the process. I knew it had to be God Who put these amazing people on my heart to be a part of my MOPS team. These were ladies I hadn’t seen or talked with in years, yet they were all just as excited as I was about the group. I had so much peace and such an amazing team leading with me.

Looking back at my life I have realized that one of my gifts is friendship. There is not much I love more than connecting myself or others to a good friendship. Well maybe coffee… ha-ha. My friends call me “The Connecter”. I know God has different gifts in all of us. I pray as you have read a little bit of my story it has challenged you to move out of your comfort zone. When we step out God shows up. He has amazing plans for each of our lives.  Trust Him!

I know you may have read my story and ask God what am I here to do? I pray my story was an encouragement for you to follow what God is calling you to do. I never would have dreamed I would be leading the MOPS ministry. It was little steps of obedience where I said “yes” that lead me to where I am today. All the years I dedicated to the MOPS ministry as a leader helped mold and shape me to be the coordinator this year. Every season of life helps prepare you for the next season. I pray you follow the desires God puts in your heart even when it seems scary. You will be blessed. There is no better place to be than in the will of the Father.

The holiday season is upon us!  Our family is pretty active during this time of the year.  We do a lot of activities together as a family.  Taking advantage of all the events around the city is something you can do with your friends and family as well.  Here are some of our family holiday traditions.

Phipps Conservatory

Every year Phipps Conservatory decorates for the holidays complete with a room devoted to an elaborate train display.  We have been going each Christmas since my husband and I were dating.  The best time to go is in the evening.  There is a winter light garden that is a must see at night. We have even seen a couple get engaged in the winter garden!  Over the years we have learned a few tips and tricks. 

Tips:

1.      It is less busy to go on a weeknight.  The weekends might be more convenient, but it is so busy that it takes a lot of the enjoyment out of the trip, especially with young kids.

2.      Go at night, as mentioned before.

3.      Because they sell time slots you will want to be sure to purchase tickets ahead of time. 

 PPG Winter Garden

The winter garden at PPG is a memorable and quick little outing.  Here you will see Santa mannequins from around the world dressed in traditional attire and a small plaque with their names and traditions about them.  Also, there are usually homemade gingerbread houses on display, made by a wide range of children.  Some are quite impressive.  In addition to these beautiful displays, some evenings there is live music.  Sometimes it is adorable children and sometimes it is very talented adults.  Overall, it is a  nice experience that doesn’t take a lot of time.

Ice skating at PPG

Ice skating here feels like the most Christmasy things you can do in the city! The giant “tree” in the middle of the ice, Christmas music playing, surrounded by the glass of the PPG building… it almost feels like an ice palace.  We have not gone to this skating rink in a few years.  We tried to go 2 years ago but they changed their policy and for the better!  They now do tickets by time.  Before this change the line would be so very long.  This is a fun holiday activity that I highly recommend.

Tip:

1.      Go after Christmas but walk around before Christmas.

2.      Buy tickets ahead of time.

The Winter Market

In Market Square there is a winter market.  A quaint little village is set up and vendors come in and sell unique items that can possibly be gifts.  There is hot coco and sometimes people are selling those fun things kids love like balloon animals and light up toys.  This stop could be paired with a dinner or with another mini activity.

Holiday Pops

The Holiday Pops is another tradition that goes back to our dating life.  We love going to this.  Lots of fun!  The atmosphere is festive and beautiful, and the music is wonderful!  You will not be disappointed if you like classical music, Christmas music, and holiday traditions.

Christmas Lights

We do a lot of Christmas light viewing during the season.  All of these places can be viewed from your car.  Pick up some hot chocolate or snacks after dinner or even some dinner in the car, then take a drive through a winter wonderland of lights. Here are a few of our favorite places to go. We have gone to these places for years.

1. The Lights at Clinton Park in Clinton, PA

2.      The Lights at the Pittsburgh Zoo

3.      Oglebay Resort, Wheeling, WV

4.      North Park Laser Show

I know there are many other places to visit during the holidays but these are some of our favorites.  Hope you are inspired and try a few. 

Merry Christmas!

Growing up in Oregon, I remember my father's job vividly. He was a Firefighter for the Portland Fire Department for 27 years. His schedule wasn’t like most 9 to 5 jobs, he worked shifts. Twenty-four on, forty-eight off was his usual schedule unless he was called in. He didn’t talk a lot about some of the calls that he would have to go out on, but I knew every day he went to work, he was putting his life on the line for another. That’s what firefighters do, they run into burning buildings to rescue those who are trapped and in need of help. I thank God that he was able to see his career through to retirement, it’s definitely not a job for the faint of heart.

At some point all of us need a helping hand. Someone to reach out in the midst of our loneliness and despair and offer a way out. Someone to show us a way off our own island and back into connection and community with others. This is a very extreme reality for families like mine, families who are raising special needs children in an ever-changing and chaotic world. Parenting, in itself is daunting, but when you face the challenges that come with raising a child with special needs, your whole world changes. Things that you used to be able to do with ease now become difficult and most of the time impossible. You find yourself isolated and often exhausted, trying to navigate a system that is anything but easy. You pray for a moment of peace, only to tackle another day of appointments and therapies, sleepless and weary. You just want to be able to go to a church and enjoy the worship and a message, without being paged that your child is having difficulties for the tenth time. You long for someone to talk to that understands what it’s like and does not judge you or tell you don’t have enough faith for your child's healing.

This was the real-life situation that my husband and I found ourselves in for almost 5 years after our son’s diagnosis. Then in October 2014, we found a church that was meant for families like ours.

Victory Family Church saved us on many different levels. One of the first ministries established was the Endless Possibilities Ministry for special needs kids. The ministry was birthed from Pastor John and Michelle’s own experience with their son who was healed and set free from autism. We knew in our hearts that this was the place we could grow as a family and our son would be well cared for of in a place made just for him. Having all these things in place now, brought hope to our lives like never before. But there was still something missing.

Fast forward to March of 2016. The Small Groups initiative was just getting started and little did I know that God had heard my prayer for connection. Certainly, there had to be other Special Needs moms in the church because we would usually pass each other in the hall after dropping off our children at Endless Possibilities. But being in such a large church I had no idea how to find and connect with them. Once again, God heard my cry. A new group was starting called Supermom's, a group especially for Special Needs moms and caregivers. It was the lifeline that I had been searching for and the connection that I had needed for so long.

 The group has its origin story in the heart of our founder Kristi Wees. Kristi came to Victory in 2015. She was the mom to an amazing girl who was struggling with so many health issues and food sensitivities. Kristi knew what it meant to feel alone and worn out on this unknown journey with her daughter. Walking by the Endless Possibilities room she observed the same expressions from other parents and caregivers. Parents dropping off their children, passing each other in the halls, exhausted as they rushed to service. With little to no interaction between them, Kristi knew God was speaking to her heart. There had to be a way to minister to the moms of special needs kids, and not just connect them but give them an opportunity to receive rest and renewal from God, the only one who could truly provide it.

 She reached out to leadership and soon thereafter a small group was started in the Healing Room of Victory Family Church. God laid it on her heart to call the group S.U.P.E.R. Moms which stood for Super Unique People Expecting Renewal and Rest. The passage from Isaiah 40:30-31 echoes this mission

Seven years later, we are still going strong. We have some of the most incredible women in our group, and at our core we know where our strength lies. One of my favorite verses reflects this. Psalm 91 has always been my anchor. The words resonate with life every time they are spoken.

Verse 14- 16 says, “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.”

One of the core messages of SuperMoms is that we are “Empowered by God”. On the journey with our children, there is nothing that prepares us for what we face when the diagnosis comes. As parents, grandparents, and caregivers you do whatever it takes to help your child. You go to the best doctors, travel to every therapy appointment, find any treatment and spare no expense to provide a better quality of life. At some point, you come to the end of your own abilities. People ask me all the time about how I deal with this journey that I’m on with my son. I cannot give credit to anything other than the grace of God which has sustained me over the years. John Bevere gave one of the best definitions of this word. He said Grace is God’s empowerment that give us the ability to go beyond our natural ability. No one is ever prepared for the unknown with their children. It’s a place where if you're not careful, fear will rule, instead of faith. That is another reason why SuperMoms exists. To let you know that you don’t have to walk this journey alone. This is what separates our group from others. Our focus is not on the diagnosis, but the one who makes all things possible!

The heart of the SuperMoms ministry seeks to connect all who are impacted by special needs. We have ladies in our group who are at all different places in their walk with God and their journey with their child. We also have ladies who travel from all over to attend our monthly meetings. In fact, you don’t have to be a member of Victory Family Church to come to our small group! Our desire is to provide a safe place for SuperMoms to come, share and connect with others. A place where they can recharge their battery, even if only for a short while. We have been actively meeting every month at Victory Family Church for over 7 years now. We schedule our meetings at the same time as the service so that our families can utilize the Special Needs classroom known as Endless Possibilities. There are so many special needs families in our communities that are not able to attend church unless the church provides them with the support system to care for their child. I have heard from so many parents and caregivers over the years tell me that because of ministries like Endless Possibilities they were able to finally attend church as a family again. That is the heart of SuperMoms and Endless Possibilities, to reconnect these families to the local church, where they can come and grow together, worship together and thrive together!

 The SuperMoms ministry is only possible because of the amazing men and women who serve our kids every weekend in the Endless Possibilities room. The vision for the ministry is simple. In Endless Possibilities, they believe that each child has a bright future, no matter what challenges they may face. They see them not as the world sees them, but how God sees them, valuable and complete! No two people have exemplified this more than Tanya and Ben Rings. For over 12 years now, Tanya and Ben have devoted their time and energy to see this ministry thrive! Their sense of fulfillment has come through seeing these families experience church in a new way. Seeing the relief on the faces of the parents and smiles on the faces of the kids is a reward in itself. Without people like them, and all the other volunteers, these families would not be able to attend church together. This ministry is a lifeline to these families! If you or someone you know has a desire to help in this area, please do not hesitate to volunteer. You don’t need any special training to love on these kids. Come and be part of something that truly does make an impact in the lives of these families!

To the ladies that lead with me, thank you from the bottom of my heart. We have laughed, cried, played together and prayed together. Liz Tuell, Shara Stefura and Amy Solman here’s to finishing the race that God has put before us!

Endless Possibilities contact info:

 Rebecca Koehler, 

childrens@lifeatvictory.com

SuperMoms contact info:

  ljcrowson@outlook.com

I walk close with my Father! I like to imagine Him holding my hand as we walk through each day. I see Him pointing out opportunities to love people that are hurting and lost all around me, the way I once was. I used to walk through the valley of shadows and fell in many pits along the way, but now I stay close because I don’t want to fall into those old traps again. He doesn’t mind.  In fact, I am pretty sure He likes it. His love for me is no secret and He gave His most precious Son to bring me close. His desire was that I had always walked with Him, but I was the one who ran ahead on my own, chasing after day dreams of what I thought life was about, but those illusions never really existed.

Somewhere in my childhood I got the idea that, when I turned 18, I would be able do things the way I wanted. In my immature and childish thinking, I thought that I would run and would be in God’s will no matter where I was. After all, I was saved at a very young age and that was all I needed to be locked into the plan of God, right? I thought I had child-like faith, but it was actually naïve faith, thinking whatever I did was His will. That is not how it works at all. So, when I became an adult, I began to run through life taking whatever came at me and believing I was doing the right things.  I probably was for a while, but slowly and gradually over time, my life got darker and darker.

I was a runner for sure, not in the “get fit” way, but when things were uncomfortable and tough, I took it as a sign that it was time to move on. Jumping from relationship to relationship, job to job and town to town, I lived life with no plan, purpose or direction.

Well not that’s not all true. Having become a single mom, I felt this was my purpose. It was up to me to make sure we had all we needed to survive and make ends meet. Even to the point of working multiple jobs at a time to make us feel secure. This is what kept me going most of the time.  The only problem with that was there was no time for focusing on being a mother. I was pulled around by work schedules and I was blinded like those around me with the culture and the world’s way of thinking. My thoughts were all about the next time I could have fun or run around with “friends”. I was on a downhill spiral with no end in sight.

Throughout this time, I would call out to God on occasion when I needed a new job, a new place to live or to get out of some kind of trouble I had gotten myself into. He was so faithful and would run and catch me before I crashed and burned. When I look back now, I picture it like I was running through this dark valley, being pulled by the unseen demonic forces leaving my faith in the dust. When calling on my heavenly Father to come help, He would swoop down into that dark valley of pits and pick me up like a Super Hero flying in at just the right moment to save this foolish young girl in trouble again. I was thankful, but quickly ran on ahead again, never considering that there might actually be a planned path of God’s goodness and mercy calling to me in the background.

One particular incident of Him rescuing me was when I was on my way to a weekend get away to some place I should not have been going. A tire on my car blew out just before I was getting off the highway. That in itself, I’m convinced, was God’s protection. There was no threat of losing control of the vehicle because I was already slowing down to turn onto the ramp. However, now I was stuck there on a busy highway at rush hour, far away from “home and anyone I knew that could help. This was back in the BC day, before cell phones. I couldn’t snap a selfie and post it on social media to ask for help or play some Words with Friends while I waited to be rescued. I couldn’t even search for a youtube video on how to change the tire myself. As it happened, I barely had time to consider what I was going to do. I didn’t even get to the point where I thought about walking to get help. Within minutes, a semi-truck pulled up behind me and two men got out, walked up and never said one word to me. They put my spare tire on and left, still never speaking to me. I don’t even remember having the opportunity to say, “thank you.” I am almost positive that they were angels that God sent to rescue me or, at the least, He gave two random guys the compassion to stop and bail me out. Whatever the case was, there is no doubt in my mind that God was taking care of me, when I was so far out from under the shadow of His wings.

His love was gentle, and even after all the times He helped when I asked and when I didn’t ask, I still went through a very dark time when I was afraid for my life. I had gotten to such a dark place that I felt condemned to death. I was afraid for my life with no reason why. I got some crazy idea that because I wasn’t living right, God was going to take me out. What an absurd idea! He was the One that kept picking me up and pulling me out of trouble, but I was so full of fear that I just knew the end was near. I would hold my little girl close at night to try to keep her protected and I was making a plan for her to have a home with family after I was  gone. I had even written letters explaining what had happened to people that I had left behind. Through all that, I was still determined to do it all on my own. I would not let anyone know what I was going through.

It was around that time, that I moved to another state. I don’t think I intentionally thought I was leaving my imminent doom, but a job opportunity came so I jumped on it. I checked in occasionally with my closest family, just to let them know I was still alive, but as much as possible I would keep them at bay so they would not look down on the lifestyle I was living. I wanted them to think I was fine and doing this thing called life all by myself.

There were times when I would run to my sisters for help, like when I was trying to run away again or when I just needed help with babysitting. I was so messed up in my thinking that I never considered how hard it was for them to watch me throwing my life away. They were always there for me and tried to help the best they knew how when I gave them the chance. I know they were disappointed and even hurt for me because of the choices I was making. Through it all, they always showed me love and encouragement when I came around and welcomed me with open arms.

There were many times I did try to get back to church and connect, but because I was a single parent, I didn’t feel like I belonged there. It was hard just going cold turkey into a church alone especially living in an area where I didn’t know people. First, I went to a big church so no one would notice me. That worked for a while, but as soon as there was some attention, I quickly shut that down. What was wrong with me? Then I tried a couple small churches. Of course, there was no hiding there. So, again, I ran away. I felt such shame and didn’t want to let people find out who I really was.

I moved again and by this time my children were old enough to understand some things in life. I wanted to get them in the right environment to know about salvation and the love of God. Now, some time had past and I was able to separate from many of the things that held me in shame and bondage. My naïve faith was evolving into a clinging faith. Still like a child, I grabbed ahold of my Father, scared to death that I would fall again. I tried to stay as close to Him as I possible could to avoid the pain of the past.

Then, one day, seemingly out of the blue, I caught a glimpse of a Christian television program. It was two ladies talking about scriptures on God’s love and provision. When I heard the passages, they were reading, I thought: “I know those verses, but why are they not real to me?” By this point in my life, I was actually trying to go in the right direction. The Spirit of God knew just the right timing to reach my heart beyond just trying to do the right things. He was actually showing me there was a life beyond right and wrong behavior. It was a life of purpose and intentionality.

God was revealing to me that I needed the power of His Word in my life and that I could hear the prompting of the Holy Spirit in my heart. I began to press in close to my Father in heaven and stay there. I started making time with God a priority in my days and in my life. The closer I got, the more the grip of the past began to let go. It was like shedding a dead skin and growing a newfound life and hope in my relationship with Him.

That’s when I  realized that there was a reason I was here in this world. Even deeper than just being a good person. There were actually gifts placed inside me by my Father to reach people with the love of God. These were abilities He planted in me to develop so I could help others who were now where I once was. His call on my life grew louder as I yielded my will to His Spirit, and I became what He was putting  in my heart.

My child-like faith was transitioning from a holding on for dear life to an empowering, reaching out to others faith. It became my greatest desire to not miss anything He as leading me to because He has the best plan for my life. I did not want to run on ahead, out from His arms of love, ever again, so I determined that I would make him the focus of every area of my life.  As I did, the Spirit of God living on the inside of me began to show me a future plan. He began to open doors that I was not always sure to go through or even wanted to go through. But, as I trusted Him and ask for His desire to be in my heart to make decisions based on His direction not on what I was feeling. He was faithfully showing me my place in the world and gradually over time my confidence has grown to use the gifts He has given in what ever capacity He opens up to me.

There were many times when following His direction didn’t seem to make sense in the natural world. There were also times that I did not at first want to go in the direction He was pointing.  It is easy some times when opportunities open up or decisions are to be made to quickly pass over something that my human self does not find interesting or even desirable.  However, since I had made so many bad choices before, I do not want to lean on my own understanding ever again.

I make sure that I know the way to go before I take off running. I ask my Father to make it plain and clear or I ask Him to make His desire my delight.

If I think He is leading me to a place that I don’t have time for or don’t think it is a right fit, I do not ever want to say “No, that just isn’t for me or this isn’t the right time.” I could give countless examples of when this has happened. Such as having a court case and being led to get it out of the court system. That did not make sense. It felt like I was losing and giving up all my rights, but He had a better plan. When moving and considering where to buy a home in an area I wasn’t looking or even had a desire to go to. Yet, it turned out to be one of the greatest blessing and places to live of my life. A time of being offered a job with a pay cut into a place that I did not think I wanted to go, has been the greatest experience of my life so far in the professional field.

Just this year, I have had yet another opportunity to miss God. I was given an invitation to step into a ministry position that I didn’t think was for me at this time. I already have a lot of ministry things going on and I thought “Surly my Father isn’t calling me to take on more?” Since I do not want to lean on my own understanding, I committed to pray about it and as I did, I went to the LORD and told Him the reasons this is not what I was going to do. There is no time for this in my life. I am already leading groups, serving other, working a job, not to mention writing and helping other writers. Certainly, this wasn’t the time to add another layer. After having the conversation many times with Him, I finally said: “Lord, if this is something you’re doing and if this is a door you are opening, I do not want to miss out on your best plan for my life. Please change my heart and line it up with what you want to do in my life. Almost immediately, a picture came to my heart of what a great honor He was placing before me! What I thought was just going to be another commitment to stretch me thin, was actually a gift He was trying to get to me. He was opening a door in the spirit realm for me to walk into a greater flow of ministry and impact on eternity. Oh, how good He is and how much He is trying to get over to us. If we could just look beyond what we see right now and in today. His vision is for all eternity and He wants me to see that too.

Now I want to make it count. I want to make every day of my life count for eternity. When I send out a message of encouragement and ministry, I count that toward someone’s eternity. When I sit with a hurting person and pray with them. I count that to go into eternity with me and them. When I walk through the valley of shadows with a lost and hurting soul, it is counted in heaven today and forever! My soul rejoices!

 I no longer count the dollars that I save up in my lifetime and I no longer count the mistakes that I have made in the past. I don’t count the jobs and positions I have held in this world; they will all fade away and will all be forgotten when I leave this place.

Through it all, God has so richly blessed! He has given me a godly husband who loves, nurtures and cherishes me. I get to live my life walking in ministry beside this great man of God. We have a beautiful home and wonderfully blessed family and most of all, He leads us every step of the way. I am so thankful for the life God has given me and led me through and for the people He has surrounded me with to live out His purpose.

This is a great story and to me it is the greatest of all time because it is mine.  But, here is the best news yet.  This miraculous work that the Spirit of God has done in my heart and my life, is not limited to me. He wants to do this in your life too. He wants for all people to know Him personally, have His unconditional love in their life and walk out the blessed plan and path He has designed for you. It is available to everyone, but it is up to you to surrender all and be ready to walk through every open door of blessing He puts in front of you. You are the one who decides, and you are the one that is taking the next step or stay sitting right where you have always been. You choose and as you go, the Holy Spirit will go before you, preparing your next childlike faith step in the great story of your life.

Today I want to encourage you to walk hand in hand with you loving heavenly Father. The Father of glory and blessing! The Father of power and might! Let go of the weights of this life that are holding you down and taking up your time and energy. Take a “right” turn off the road of the valley of the shadow of death on to the path of life that your Father is calling you to. Believe that He has a good plan for you. He has gifts He is growing in your life and when you reach out to others through those gifts will bring His greatest blessings and fulfillment in your life.  Walk hand in hand with Him today and every day in childlike faith and stop running on ahead chasing after illusions that do not exist.

I have a Peloton bike. I absolutely love it. We purchased it in 2018 and moved to a different townhome shortly after, which meant the bike had to be taken apart and put back together again. After the move we were so busy trying to get everything put in its place and get that bike put back together so I could ride, that I never checked to see if the settings stayed the same during the move. I just wanted to be done and ride. (If you have ever rode a Peloton or a spin bike of any type you know that all the settings for the seat, handlebars, screen, etc. matter drastically to the rider personally.) A few months after that, I decided I wanted the bike downstairs instead of upstairs where we had placed it in the move. (My husband was thrilled.) This very heavy machine had to be taken apart again, moved down not one, but two flights of winding stairs – after moving it up those same stairs just a few months earlier, and then put back together again. Unfortunately for me, patience is obviously not one of my virtues. So, again, I didn’t take the time to check the settings, I just rode.

Since then, my kids have played with knobs, pretended to ride it, and at some point, I am pretty sure my four-year-old thought she could use the handlebars as monkey bars. My husband also did a few rides here and there on his own settings and then tried to change them back as best he could. And so, not right away, but over some time, I began to feel tired and sore after each ride. Certain joints would ache just slightly, and my lower back felt taxed. It felt a little uncomfortable when pedaling – like something just wasn’t quite right. But I was busy, I had things that needed to get done – I didn’t have time to figure it out. So, I continued to ride and ignore the ailments, until recently. For some reason, about a month ago, I stopped before I got on the bike and looked at the phone that was right in my hand (as it had been every day, Google search and Peloton resources literally at my fingertips before every single ride) and I took the 5 seconds it takes to Google “how to set your Peloton bike correctly before use”. That was it. That was all I had to do. The very first link that popped up was a simple list of exactly how to set each aspect of the bike to fit your body personally and, thus, give you the most comfortable ride and least chance of injury. Turns out, my bike was way off (You don’t say!). After I took the 5 minutes to adjust the settings properly, it was like I was riding a brand-new bike. My neck and shoulders didn’t feel so tense, my back didn’t hurt, my knees didn’t ache, and I was enjoying it just as much as when we first purchased it. Why didn’t I just take those 5 minutes months and months ago? Because I was too busy, too distracted, and too worried about getting everything done that I wanted to get done. And because of my denial to simply “take a minute”, I was slowly hurting my body physically.

This same situation can happen to us spiritually, mentally, and emotionally if we don’t take the time to pause and figure things out. I needed to do this in all above mentioned areas for the past year, not just on my bike, but I wouldn’t. However, in September, God brought me to a place and time where I had no choice but to take those moments to allow Him to sort things out for me.

God Moment #9 –

A New Perspective Gained

“And all my life you have been faithful

And all my life you have been so, so good

With every breath that I am able

Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

Cause Your goodness is running after

It’s running after me

Your goodness is running after

It’s running after me…” 

Those were the words of the worship song I sang along with the second day of a women’s conference I attended this past September. They brought me to tears that I fought hard to hold inside, just as I had been every day for the past year. I didn’t want to feel the tears, the pain, the doubt, the questions that inevitably always arose in my head no matter what I knew to be true when thoughts of my mother’s passing from cancer crept into my mind. I just kept going and going when those feelings started to rear their ugly face. I realized during this moment of hearing these song lyrics, God’s goodness was doing just that. It was running after me. It was chasing me because I wouldn’t stop to let it catch up and help me deal with my grief. I would run away from it with my work, taking care of our kids, scrolling social media, chores around the house, helping with my small group, shopping, watching TV series, working out, everything and anything to keep the real feelings from being felt. Though none of those things are necessarily negative things, they were being used to fill in the spaces in my time that needed to be filled with God’s mercy and grace for me. Following the worship song was a speaker who focused much of her message on stories of people being miraculously healed of cancer. Out of no fault of her own, I was crushed by this. That was not what I wanted to hear at this conference. But I needed to. I needed my true feelings to surface and be dealt with.

After this was a lunch break. I was shaky walking to the area where my friends and I were headed to eat. Towards the end of the lunchbreak the emotions I was holding in for months on end couldn’t be contained anymore. I broke out into one of those ugly cries right in the middle of my circle of friends. One of them embraced me while I cried into her lap like a baby. And another used her seemingly always soothing words to comfort and talk me through the painful cry. My face hurt afterwards, and I felt exhausted. It felt good to get all of that out, but at the same time, I was still discouraged from the message before lunch and the fact that my own mother was not one of those miraculous stories of being healed after being prayed over and believing for her healing.

It was time for the last speaker and there was only about a half hour left in the conference. I started to consider dipping out early to catch the last part of my son’s baseball game that was going on at the same time. What was a half hour? I couldn’t miss that much in that amount of time, and I just really wanted to get back to the normal day and away from the emotional turmoil I was feeling. But something told me “Just stay…” So, I did.

At the end of those last 30 minutes, I knew exactly why I had needed to stay. The last speaker was an amazing lady with an infectious laugh and a message that God hand crafted just for me that day. After her introduction remarks, she started into her message which she stated would be about her late husband and how she believes he was drawn to heaven. He had been very sick with a very aggressive type of cancer. She gave remarks about how she and her kids had prayed over him for healing the months leading up to his passing and how she even prayed for his resurrection for hours in the hospital room after he had passed. But he did not come back. He had been drawn to heaven. I wasn’t completely sure I understood what she meant but I was certainly intrigued. She was talking about almost the exact same situation my family had experienced with my mother just over two years ago. I wanted to know more.

Ironically, she had written an entire book about this experience and the perspective God had given her through it. As soon as she was done speaking, I bolted out of the sanctuary to buy the book. I finished it after just a few weeks. It is one of the best books I have ever read. God spoke to me through her words in this book, “The Draw of Heaven,” so specifically I feel like she wrote it just for me. Obviously, she did not. She has no idea who I am, but God does. God knows who I am, what I am troubled with, and what is needed to combat it at exactly the right time. Let me give you some insight into the several parts of this book written by Sharon Daugherty that I believe God put in place just for my grieving spirit…..

In the Foreword of the book: (written by John and Lisa Bevere)- “Those who have gone on to heaven began something we are to finish. They are praying for us and cheering us on to our victory. But there is a battle in the heavenlies, and its goal is to paralyze us from moving forward and reaping a harvest.”

God’s Translation to me: Your mom went on to heaven and began something here on earth that you are to finish. She is praying for you and cheering you on to your victory. But there is a battle in the heavenlies, and its goal is to paralyze you from moving forward and reaping your harvest. (I also need to add that during the same time I started to read this book, I was working on and finishing up my article for the previous issue of this publication and it was already themed around the seeds that God plants within us to allow Him to harvest.)

***

In the Introduction of the book: “This book is to encourage the reader to know that there is a draw of heaven upon our lives. It is also to help anyone who is struggling to find answers to the following questions: Why? What went wrong? We were doing all we know to do. Maybe if we had just done this other thing. Maybe if we had not done a particular thing. Or, possibly you have thought, “Somehow God failed, or somehow I failed in some way.” Have you ever thought that it might not have been about what you did or didn’t do? Have you considered the thought that heaven has a draw upon our lives as believers?

God’s Translation to me: This book is to encourage you to know that there is a draw of heaven upon everyone’s life. It is also to help you, as I see you struggling to find answers to your questions you still have about your mother’s passing into heaven. I know you have thought at times that I failed to answer your prayers, or that you failed in some way. But have you ever thought that it might not have been about what you did or didn’t do? Have you considered that heaven has a draw upon the lives of my believers?

***

In “Processing It All as a Family” Chapter: Daughter Ruthie recalls of the days leading up to her father’s passing – “God reminded me of something that He spoke to me just a few hours earlier that night, that if he were to pass that it would only catapult each of us kids into the ministry and callings that God had for us. It would not diminish us or hold us back, but it would increase us in all that God had placed on the inside of us.”

God’s Translation to me: I want to show you through another grieving daughter’s words that even though your mom passed and is with Me now, I want to catapult you and the rest of your family into the ministry and callings that I have for you. This should not diminish you or hold you back. What your mom started on this earth must be continued by all of you. I want it to increase you in all that I have placed on the inside of you.

***

In “The Third Heaven” Chapter: Sharon shares an account of Dr. Eben Alexander, who was given an out of body experience during a 7-day coma, meaning he experienced heaven and returned to tell all about it. – “Dr. Alexander shared how everything was connected or interwoven together. Nothing was separate. Throughout the journey, one of the beings was with him as they rode on something that appeared to be like a butterfly wing. As they went, millions of butterflies flew all around them like a river of life and color moving through the air.”

God’s Translation to me: Do you see how I have tried to show you repeatedly that your mother is with me and well. She came on the wing of a butterfly and got to see exactly what he just described – millions of them all around her like a river of life. Do you see, again, why the monarch butterflies have been so important to you personally and seem to appear at all the right times? (Please refer to God Moment #5 to truly understand the significance of this.)

***

Those are just a few specific examples. Throughout the entirety of her book Sharon talks at different times about the days in the hospital leading up to the passing of her 57-year-old husband. I can say firsthand that the days in the hospital when you are just sitting next to your loved one, watching their earthly body fail in all capacities, are the hardest. I have had images of my mother during her 4 days in the hospital before she passed that have haunted me. It is just such a gut-wrenching experience to sit and watch…and wait…and wonder. Perhaps that is why this excerpt meant the most to me:

“I believe angels were present that morning when my husband slipped into eternity. As I shared earlier, I heard many singing with me from a distance as I worshipped next to Billy Joe’s body. I also believe, according to Scripture, that at the death of a believer who has given his life to Jesus, angels assist his passing into heaven (see Luke 16:22).

Notice that He doesn’t take us; He receives us as we pass into eternity. We return to where we came from.”

The images of my mother I spoke of above no longer haunt me. After reading this book, those very same images now comfort me in my grief – a complete and total change of perspective. You see, in the final hours of her time here on earth, she was unresponsive but would at different times sit up and reach into the air, like she was reaching for something that we couldn’t see, longing for it almost. She would tug at her hospital gown as if to try to get it off. Her eyes still closed. The medical professionals told us it was just something that happens sometimes in reaction to all the very heavy medications on the failing body. I disagree – 100%. I now know exactly what was happening. She was reaching for those angels and for Jesus. She saw them. They were waiting for her, and she longed to be with them. She saw that she would be healed and finally out of her painful suffering in her failing earthly body – hence the tugging at her hospital gown. She was going back to where she came from. Jesus was receiving his good and faithful servant.

Sharon Daugherty, I cannot thank you enough for the message you gave at the conference and this book you have written. It has given me new perspective. I am now able to replay some of those memories of my mother’s final hours here on earth in my mind without utter discouragement. I now imagine my mother reaching for Jesus and His angels, shedding her earthly, failing body, and floating on a butterfly wing into our true home of heaven. And all of that happened just because I listened to the Holy Spirit tell me to just stay put for another half hour at that conference.

What if I had not taken the time to sit and listen to the last 30 minutes of that conference? What if I had never taken the 5 minutes to Google and then adjust my bike as mentioned earlier? I would have missed something so significant in my life physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I would still be unknowingly hurting my body each day that I thought I was helping by exercising. I would still be in despair and agony when thoughts of my mother in her last few days come about in my mind. God doesn’t want any of that for me, or anyone. Take a moment, or a few, even when you are overwhelmed, because I can promise you that is when it is needed the most.

When I am overwhelmed, you alone know the way I should turn. ~Psalm 142:3

“Now to HIM who is able to do exceedingly abundantly more than we could ask, think or imagine. ~ Ephesians 3:20

The man God had waiting for me was not my idea, but something so exceedingly greater than I could truly ask think or imagine. I often wonder what would have happened if I would have clung so tightly to my thoughts and my ways, I could have missed the greatest blessing God had for me. Like so many of us do I had envisioned my dreams and future coming to life, outlining what I thought I wanted, looking and observing and waiting for it to cross my path. I set expectations for myself, my life and parameters for the person I would share a future with. I sat with God pen to paper hours on end pouring out my heart and desires, anxiously waiting to hear His voice and to see the promise come to pass. “Acceleration, I’m going to accelerate some things in your life. Things that could take years in your hands, can take seconds in mine”.

The Lord gave me this word two years before one manifestation of it would come to pass and set me on a path of pursuing complete surrender to His plan. At the time I was completing my second year of ministry school and God had been doing a transforming work in my heart revealing to me the places and spaces He had for me to occupy. In that time, I allowed God to continue to develop me in all the ways that I needed to be while allowing myself to sit with Him in all the question marks I had in my life. What would be next, could pastoring be in my future? Who will I do it alongside, will I ever meet a man that could walk with the same passion and pursuit that I had for the future God was showing me. Questions would come and in the quiet times of my day I would tell the Lord, I want Your best, Lord I want Your plan, I want what You have. I truly desired God’s best in not just one arena of my life, but I longed for His best in every area and for correction if I was leaning into anything less.

“You are going to end up here one day” were the words my Husband shared with me months after meeting. The story attached to these words is one that only Zach can share in full but so significant to the story God was weaving together. Zach grew up in Kentucky, moved onto the military and landed back in his hometown to pursue life and work. Zach had been sent to Pittsburgh, PA on a work trip and was taking the day to explore the city. While enjoying the day and taking in all the Pittsburgh sights, Zach heard those words, “you are going to end up here one day.” Confused, he said What!? And shook it off but knew in his heart, these words were from God. Zach had been exploring his faith and walking with God for a little over 2 years and been pursuing purpose while leaning into people and mentorship throughout his weeks. A year went by, and Zach had been experiencing some struggles in his workplace that had him considering moving on. One evening, Zach was scrolling on social media through open positions in his field and stumbled on a logo that was far from familiar. Zach recognized the logo of the company he had visited a year prior in the Pittsburgh area and felt compelled to apply. Zach accepted a position in the Pittsburgh area in October of 2018 and not long after started seeking a church and further opportunities for growth. Zach was on the path God had prepared, little did either of us know all that God had waiting.

Zach connected to Victory Family Church and was soon after accepted into the ministry program there where our paths crossed one evening, between the end of my day and the beginning his. A Pastor had invited me to lead alongside in some of the evening classes. Initially I was very surprised and honored to be extended the opportunity. Several months prior I had been wrestling with switching into the evening program but chose to stay rooted in the program I began. When I was invited into that space two desires of my heart were fulfilled. What I couldn’t see at this time was that this invitation would be pivotal for the connection God was orchestrating.

Zach was very outgoing, funny and talkative and absolutely the one you want to have with you when you need someone to lighten the mood. There was a boldness about him, and he wasted no time getting into conversation with me about the deep things of life. Zach seemed very familiar, but initially, I was taken back by how quickly he was seeking to get to know me and my life in just one conversation. We joke around now, but for several weeks I wasn’t so sure about entering into anything beyond friendship and the list of hesitations continued to grow. I questioned things like how much older he was then I, and really started to zoom in on all the things I could see and hear. It took some intentionality to really submit my hesitations and fears before the Lord and truly walk out what I believed about His word and walking by Faith. Weeks went by and Zach and I had numerous opportunities for interaction, passing each other in the same halls and sharing the same spaces. Zach was persistent, He sought me out, engaged me in conversation and pursued me in a way I hadn’t experienced before.

I began to spend some time in prayer and the more I listened for the voice of God and learned about Zach and things of his heart, I began to open mine. My prayer became, “God if Zach is who you have for me, help me to take steps forward, but if He’s not, please close the door quickly.” Zach continued to pursue and before I knew it, the Lord led us into friendship and a relationship that would reveal the love of God in my life in a way I’d never experienced before. The waiting met the promise on May 23rd when Zach and I said, “I do”. Zach and I have been married for a little over one year now, and as I look back, I so clearly see the handiwork of God in orchestrating the places, spaces and specific season Zach and I would meet. More than anything a posture toward purpose set me on a path to be able to receive God’s promises in my life. In sharing just a few takeaways from the space between my waiting and harvest season that I hope will encourage and help you in yours, would be these:

· Pursue Purpose. God see’s you, He knows the desires of your heart and He knows how to bring a person alongside you that will not only meet your every need but bring a peace and joy that only Heaven can. The Bible tells us He knit us together in our mother’s womb, he knows the hairs on our head and every plan, purpose and relationship that is right for you. We only see half the picture, we can see the outside of people, we can hear their heart, have knowledge about their lifestyle but truly God see’s the hearts of people and knows what to bring into your life and when you are ready to receive it. I am so grateful God didn’t bring Zach a second too early or a second too late, he came right on time.

· God’s promise will bring Peace. God is preparing things behind the scenes. The scripture tells us, man plans his own way, but the Lord directs his steps. When God is directing your steps, you can have peace that you are going in the right direction. God directed every step of allowing that relationship to form in my life. From the time God spoke to my heart to the word that settled in Zach’s that would lead him states away for our lives to merge. God directed every step. Truly leaning into and inviting God into this relationship allowed me to take steps toward the future He had for me. Allow God to direct your steps, allow God to lead you and guide you into every good, pleasing and perfect thing He has for you. You may be struggling and have question marks in your life, like I did mine. Can I encourage you God has the answers, He created the path you're walking on and knows where it’s going, Pursue Him, He will not let you down.

· God will use People to provide confirmation. If I didn’t believe it before, it was so evident that God used people over and over to provide clarity and confirmation for our connection. I think back to the Pastor who invited me into the space that God would use to bring Zach and I together. What I thought was an opportunity to grow in my ministry skills and capacity, God saw as the platform to form the greatest relationship of my life. God used a person I trusted and respected to help me take a step into a place where He could provide. What a joy it’s been to see the fruit of what God brought together with Zach and me. I often still find myself thinking about how miraculous it is that the One who hung the moon and stars, looked at me and knew exactly what I needed in a person to share life with. What I’ve come to depend on as I continue to walk with God is that his word truly never comes back void, that all of His promises really are YES and AMEN. Every good thing He has laid out for you to line up with Him and walk in it.

“Seek First the Kingdom of God and His Righteous and ALL these things will be added to you. ~ Matthew 6:33

When I met Zach, some precious things were added to my life. What are you seeking after? If you are seeking after a Relationship instead of God, a job instead of God, an opportunity, instead of God? I’d encourage you to course correct. The scripture tells us seek HIM first and all these things will be added to you. The remarkable thing with God is that when you are seeking, when you are stepping, you don’t have to know the way, you just have to know the Waymaker. The man God had waiting for me, truly wasn’t my idea and wasn’t in my time. It’s funny how often we seek to take the steering wheel of life into our own hands. Planning out the dreams of our heart, making decisions and expectations about what our lives will look like and the timing it all must occur and holding tightly until we see it come to pass. We read scriptures that promise us His ways are higher, His thoughts are higher, and we rest in these while still seemingly striving after what we believe is best for our lives. The journey to my harvest season and meeting my husband was one that will forever speak of God’s faithfulness in my life and has allowed me to take my hands off some things so God can fully take them into His. My prayer for you is that in the space between what you are waiting on and hoping for that you would seek God and trust him knowing that your harvest season is surely on its way and the waiting is worth every bit of walking in the fullness of what God has for YOU!

My eyes burn, blinking seems harder than it should. It smells like burnt plastic and there is the silent buzz of raw electricity. My ears are ringing, there is smoke, wind and I am laying in the grass staring at a huge tree. Autopilot kicks in and I unbuckle. My nervous system is triggered, and I run the fastest 40-yard dash of my life. I notice chunks of my car everywhere, like a busted bag of trash. I am confused but still running until a nurse (who witnessed the accident) grabs me asking “If I am, ok?”. It’s as if I am a spectator to my own life. Am I hurt? Am I going to be, ok? Am I dead? I pinch myself trying to calm my nervous system and bring my mind back into reality.

keep up and connect the dots, and I am mad. “Stop poking me in my face!” judging from his reaction this came out a bit harsher than I had hoped. I breathe, close my eyes, and calm myself down.

    Just an hour ago I was listening to Kirk Franklin, driving to practice on a regular kind of Monday. Tomorrow is my birthday. I am a regular guy who was just in a potentially life-threatening wreck.

    The daze of what is happening is overwhelming. I run back to the car. I want to flip it to see if I can make it to practice on time. It’s only 8am. I was going 75 mph, I hit a patch of black ice, flipped and rolled dodging every tree on the embankment only to come to a stop when the car ran out of momentum. My Expedition is now the size of a Jeep. The metal over what was the driver seat is mangled, shredded even, and smashed into a violent point over what should have been my head. When the car leapt into uncontrolled flips, I can feel God’s presence. I can feel Him around me. I am acutely aware of the chaos I was being thrown into while the rest of the world remains calm.

    You hear stories of near-death encounters and what they see, how they feel. But in the few seconds my mind can hold onto amid it all is how badly I want to tell my daughter I love her, and I do not want to miss the birth of my first son. The miracle of my survival from this accident is not lost on me. I walked away with eight stitches below my left eye. That is it. No broken bones, no head injuries, nothing. This scar has served to remind me of God’s faithfulness not only in good times, but more importantly in the hard times. “My God will not leave or forsake me” (Hebrews13:5, NIV)

      Scars are proof we’ve been birthed and not buried.  A scar is the final step of your flesh’s healing. Hopefully you’ve healed emotionally from whatever you were experiencing physically. Each scar does tell its own story of survival. It reminds us that we can endure hard things, find our physical bodies altered and still breathe strength in ways we never thought possible. The scars are sort of where the experience and the stories we will tell about them collide. Scars tug at all our collective heart strings because we are reminded of the fragility of life and the tenacity of the human spirit. As kids our scars are often spoken of like rewards from mischief and adventures. As adults they are mostly difficult circumstances, mundane operations, or the secrets of our souls. These scars have played witness to some of life’s most intimate experiences, and we bare their honor every day. This scar could’ve made some of you a mother, this one could be from cancer caught in time, or that one your proudest moment of heroism. Scars and the experiences that created them usually have the power to transform not only our lives, but the way in which we view the world. These same scars (if easily visible) also transform the way the world experiences us in return. Maybe within this healing of our scars we earn grit, character, and resilience. We are turning into a version of ourselves that’s newer, braver, more confident- because we have experienced challenges and risen above them. 

    I have this daily replay of the accident in my shower every morning, even 19 years later. After I get off my knees from praying and thanking God for the breath to wake up each day. I confront this scar, this blessing, this miracle, these plans for my life daily.

     People go through accidents daily where their losses make no sense, losing life, limb, and everything in between. While I walked away from a horrific accident with a 2-inch cut. The miracles, signs, and wonders of God are all around us daily if we slow down enough to notice them. 11 minutes. 11 minutes. In just 11 minutes my life was changed twice. After the accident I got a voicemail on a busted phone, 11 minutes after the wreck. When I return the phone call, I am told my lifelong dream of making it into the NFL is about to become so much closer to being my reality. They would like to sign me to the New York Giants and send me to NFL Europe. 

    I remember the thrill, the relief, the uncertainty, the anxiety, because up until this point I can remember almost every criticism from every coach, parent, cousin, friend, and peer as they question the ability that God put inside of me. In an instant, my vision becomes my truth. As I replay these scenes I can hear and feel the trouble, the obstacles, the adversity, come back just before the breakthrough. The rain always shows up before the rainbow, the pain before the healing, the discipline before the success and I can feel myself breathing harder remembering how many small sacrifices got me to this exact moment. Thinking back on these times brings me back to a dream. A dream I had that felt so real, I saw myself playing at Giants Stadium. Once I saw myself in this dream, I became more determined in my thoughts and actions to create habits and these habits when done with consistency create character and routine. Making room for this routine to carry out your destiny, especially when our physical reality can feel so limited. 

    Since leaving college, my last game at Pitt Stadium, to being a supervisor for the probation program in Pittsburgh, my life had changed. I got married, had my first child, the most beautiful baby girl, Kayla, and had another on the way. Obviously, the habits, routines, and rituals I relied on needed to be adjusted. I needed to make room for my family, a 40+ hour work week, working out, personal time and I needed some consistency to fit all of this into my life. I began getting up at 7am to feed and spend the day with Kayla (she was a daddy’s girl), then work from 3pm to 11pm, then training in the police gym from midnight to 2am everyday upheld my fated consistency even when life got complicated. 

    When I would leave the gym, I would sit in the car and speak softly to myself. Remind myself that I could believe in the things I hoped for and unseen even when it felt like there was nothing to believe in and no-one left who believed in me. So, whether I was on a football field, at work, within relationships, or at church, my habits, routines and rituals would play a significant part in laying the foundation to my future. When I stand and see the scar on my eye I am really being reminded of the power of my endurance, my steadfast dream. I grew up surrounded by a culture of African American men who had a lot to say and not a lot to do. Over promising and under delivering. I knew I didn’t want to just use words. I wanted to move mountains. I was determined to withstand my Goliath with actions and not just words 

    When I find myself, wrestling with do I work out another day? Is semi pro going to lead to me the NFL? Others critique saying or implying that I should give up on my dream and accept a regular job like everyone else? When everyone else has all the answers, opinions, and schedules to create the life they want you to have, you must be determined to create the life you want to have. In this season, I relied strongly on the thoughts and words of God on the foundation that had laid within me so far. I have learned that with Christ there is nothing I cannot do. This scar is more like a medal of honor. An honor to carry and endure through the trials of these difficult seasons. This was a true test of my patience and resilience

     This season relied more on the fundamentals of the man I was becoming with God. This call from the Giants offering me $300,000 to fulfill my dreams while supporting my family, was a dream come to reality. I saw success where there previously was none. This should confirm for me and for you that, no one else knows what God has called into your life. No teacher, no coach, no friends, no pastors, no spouses, not even parents need to confirm what God is doing within you. You must believe that this is your God given destiny and start doing the work. The word believe is tattooed on left forearm. As I see the trident scar on my left eye and the tattoo on my arm knowing the fullness of the sacrifice that was made for me. Scars in His hands and feet, scars across His back and so thankful for the relationship that not only protects me from actual harm but also manifest my dreams into reality. I hope this chapter resonates and confirms the dreams you have for yourself. The ones no one knows about or sees or confirms.

     Often, we use makeup or surgery to cover or decrease the scars of our lives, when they could be the very reminders, we all need each day of how blessed we truly are. Do you have any scars you try to hide? Do you have any scars that take you back to a hard chapter? Do you have any scars that remind you of your goodness? We’ve been cultured with perfection, coving our scars and imperfections, but these shortcomings are the things that accentuate our spiritual gifts and blessings. These shortcomings become the cracks where we can more authentically, pour out our light, and share it with the world. This scar, this moment, this replay reminds me of the building blocks of my character. Maybe you don’t have scars, but what are your habits? What are your dreams? What do you want to be remembered for? What do you do every day? Every month? Every year? What’s our new year’s resolution? 

  We are not passengers in our futures, we are the drivers to our own destiny. While in training camp in Tampa I began journaling to work through the accident, I made a deal with God that I would document the sequence of the rest of my journey. That when the praise, the notoriety, the insecurity, the things I was still struggling with as a boy, became the foundation of the man God was transforming me to be from DJ to Darnell Joseph. 

    I had a short time when I wanted to cover my own scar, my own imperfection. I had to see myself as being imperfect, I had to be unafraid of what others may see in me, I had to be unafraid of my own imperfections. When I touch this scar, I am confronted with the reality that I had to love myself.

     That in order to maintain the rituals, habits and routines that determined my success it was an imperfect road, the ice, the crash that ushered in a profound change. The trident shaped scar that became my lifeline for the moment everything changed. So, although I once considered removing it, my own scar reminds me that the things I thought were burying me were just part of my transformation to being birthed. 

Take away: 

    God’s favor is covering and transforming us daily.”

 Excerpt From

F.O.C.U.S. - Feeding Ourselves Confidence Under Stress

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you lived completely surrendered and obedient to God? I think about it a lot. As a younger adult I was introduced to the God of the Bible. Even though I knew Him to be worthy of my complete obedience and devotion, the notion of completely surrendering every aspect of my being to God was both existentially exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. Not being one to ever shy away from an adventure or thrill, I surrendered! More accurately, I began the process of surrendering. By that I mean the process of learning to live by faith, learning to empty myself of myself and to trust and believe God more each day.

As I grew in my faith, I began to get glimpses of who and what God created me to be. It began to make sense why I had always gravitated to situations and circumstances where help was needed and why I ended up working in the service industry. I was always looking for an opportunity to help because I enjoyed it and it made me feel good. I did those things because God created me with the heart of a servant. As I began to understand who and what God made me to be, I began to be more intentional in how I served. I was no longer serving for the good feeling - I was serving Him and serving for Him because that’s what I was created to do - I was surrendering.

Living with intentionality began to give me an eternal perspective of life. A perspective that sees beyond life on this earth and sees how we serve here impacts us and others in eternity. As I contemplated this and how I was serving in the business world an ideal began to take shape in my mind and heart.

My ideal believes that a business should serve the whole person - physically, emotionally, spiritually. It is displayed in partnering with people that are created with servants' hearts and equipping, empowering and encouraging them to build relationships with the freedom to minister peace, patience, kindness, grace, love, laughter, a listening ear, encouragement, and compassion.

Because of this value, we recognized a person’s time is precious and is to be greatly valued and that they deserve our undivided attention and should be served the best available product with a sense of urgency. This belief became our mission statement -We exist to seek and create opportunities to serve people’. – This ideal became our philosophy - Provide excellent products and excellent service and let profits take care of themselves. This ideal became our strategy - Do a few things ridiculously well. This ideal became our goal - Do/be better than we did/were yesterday. These ideals became the ‘Kairos Ethos.’Kairos is a unique Greek word for time, specifically, opportunities or moments in time. Ethos –the guiding characteristics and beliefs that manifest themselves in our aspirations, attitudes and actions. As long as my wife and I have been together (since the late 80’s) we have been going to coffee shops. It’s our thing. We had always had the dream of opening a coffee shop, and in 2006 we leased a 100 year old stone cottage in Butler and began renovations. After about 1 year of writing a business plan, drawing and submitting floor plans for permitting, knocking down walls and service counter, upgrading bathrooms, new flooring and a lot of painting, we opened Kairos Coffee and Tea. We had created an opportunity to serve people - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. We understand that people generally are not looking to make an emotional or spiritual connection with their barista when they go for coffee. That's not how it's supposed to work. But we wanted to challenge that. It was our goal to build relationships with the people we served with the hopes of connecting - with those who were open - at an emotional and spiritual level.

We created a place where we could be more intentional about serving. We created a place for people to gather and experience great service and great coffee.

Having worked many years in restaurants I was familiar with working with food and building systems that worked efficiently, but my knowledge of coffee was pretty limited. We sought the expertise of a Barista Championship Judge to come from out of state and spend a couple of days with us educating us in the traditional Barista craft. We opened for business soon afterwards and quickly became a very popular hangout. Within about 12 months we were opening a second location thinking more business activity meant more income to carry the first location (which was not doing well financially). It didn’t and our dream began to implode.

We found ourselves in the very difficult position of having to close our first location. That was a sad, terrible and tough time. There was no getting around that situation. The only way out of it was through it, one day at a time, one step at a time, one breath at a time and in total and complete dependence on God. Even in that very low place I knew that in this situation (of my own making) that God was there with me and would lead me, if not, carry me out. I knew I was not going to die in this experience and that all that I had to lose or had lost was His to begin with.

I had no idea what was going to become of me, but I knew that with God it would be o.k. We managed to keep our second location open and began the long process of repairing and rebuilding the fragile foundation. It was about 10 years before we felt like we could actually begin to build on that foundation. Through it all God continued to demonstrate that he is trustworthy, faithful, capable and sufficient for all of my needs. This was made abundantly clear one day in the parking lot of the bank as I was digging through my truck for change to make payroll. God spoke to my spirit so clearly I believed it was audible, “I will provide”. He always has and he always will. This promise is a part of my decision-making process.

The process usually goes something like this; I ask myself (not necessarily in this order) - What if I do this? What if I don’t do this? Is this wise? What is my motivation for doing this? Does God want to bless me? Does this honor God? Do I believe he will provide? Is this consistent with the Kairos Ethos? What does this decision say about what I believe about God and who He is?

Do I trust Him? What’s the worst that could happen?

Years later, our coffee business had expanded into breakfast and lunch, and we had put our rocky beginnings behind us when in March of 2020 yet again we were closing the business, this time due to COVID-19. That was a scary and troubling time because of so many unknown variables and because of all the voices competing to be heard. For the first couple of weeks of the shutdown I did my best to stay informed so that I could make good, informed decisions but that only added to the fears and concerns I had about our future. After asking the questions of my decision-making process about my new situation and circumstance, I decided it would be a good idea to quit TV and social media for a while.

As I began to detox from the noise of the world, I began to recognize the opportunity I was given to be at home with my family with nowhere to go and nothing to do but enjoy them and to turn my attention to God and what His purpose was for me through all of this. Even though there was so much uncertainty I enjoyed a calming peace from the assurance God had given me that ‘I will provide’. After about eight weeks of ‘two weeks to flatten the curve’ and no end in sight, and when I had decompressed enough from the pressures of running the business and detoxed enough from the noise of the world, I decided that our best next move would be to put the equipment we had sitting idle to work for us by opening a coffee trailer. But it could not be just any trailer. We wanted to do something fun, unique, eye-catching and different! We wanted to make a bold brave move because after all, we had the security and confidence of knowing that He will provide! Besides, what’s the worst that could happen?

We found a bright red, vintage horse trailer on Craigslist located in Maryland. Within a couple of days we had taken delivery of it and had begun converting the trailer into a mobile espresso bar. Exactly two weeks later we were inspected, approved and open for business! It became apparent pretty quickly that the coffee trailer was where we wanted to be and that a bigger trailer would be necessary to provide us with more protection from the varied Pennsylvania weather and allow us to keep up with the amount of business we were seeing at the horse trailer. After a year of searching, we connected with P & S Trailer service in Helena, OH who led us to a vintage 1971 Airstream Land Yacht trailer parked in a cornfield. P & S specializes in airstream conversions, and after six months of planning, meetings, and collaborating they were able to bring our vision to life. In April, 2022 we took delivery of our 25 ft coffee trailer which is located semi permanently at the intersection of Rt 19 and Rowan Rd in Cranberry Twp, Pa (8001 Rowan Rd).

During a pandemic had become a great time for us to be in the service business. We’ve had countless opportunities to serve people that we never would have had if not for the pandemic. Just being there and being ready and willing to listen to their struggles, worries and opinions without judgment has led to many meaningful conversations about life and spiritual matters. We have met so many wonderful people and have made so many friends and have been profoundly blessed by the kindness, encouragement, and generosity of the community we serve.

At times it seems like the future that this world offers has never been less certain or stable than it is now, but we know as believers that He is preparing us for a glorious future eternity in His presence. We know that God is in the process of bringing people to himself. We know that he is faithful, reliable and trustworthy. We know that he is worthy of our complete and total obedience, devotion, and surrender. We know that He will provide, He has said so (literally).

To learn more about Bruce and Kairos Coffee Roaster and Tea Co, click the button below to check out their website.